After the parade festivities, I ended up getting about only two hours of sleep.
Not because I was doing anything fun or interesting, but because I was sitting in my living room, trying to calm my very active mind and to get it to relax.
So, on the way to rehearsal tonight, I was dozing off in the car because I was so freaking exhausted.
Rehearsal went great. Which they always do. Good group, things are working. It's great. I'm glad I don't have to stress about that.
But then I get out of rehearsal and it just kicks back into gear. I sort of dozed off when we got home. But I woke up, having barely slept with any consistency.
I'm so very tired. And sad. Heartbroken even.
I wish I could flip switches to make emotions stop. I wish my weird, all over the place emotions didn't burden people so much. I hate how high maintenance I am. Poor Melanie. But, also, thank God for her.
I had a former friend message me about my sorrows. "Get over it, man." This after he sympathized with others on social media expressing much the same. I pointed this out to him. "Those people don't have terrible worldviews. It would actually be sad if they died."
Not verbatim. I don't have the messages anymore. I wasn't really upset. He's as frustrated as everyone else. He didn't know how to express that. I'm not going to hold his statement over his head. Honestly, I still have people I consider friends who would agree with his thought. It hurts, but compassion is rarely held in any kind of sacrosanct solidarity. Rather, compassion is usually selective.
I hope sleep comes my way soon.
I want to keep on my feet. But that feeling is back. That feeling that I'm a blight on existence itself.
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