After surviving drama that really belonged in a high school study hall and not in the business plans of adults, I was forced to reexamine a lot of avenues of choice in my life. After having been accused of being an idea thief and the like (although never directly, odd though that might be) and watching the seeming breakdown of sanity in someone I considered a friend, I had to think about who I was and what I wanted.
It's odd, starting out with noble intentions and realizing that your mid to late 20's were not quite the drama-free zone you'd hoped for. And I hoped it so much. I remember my early 20's, thinking that, as my big relationship of that time came to end (thankfully) this wouldn't happen again as I got older. But it did.
I was worried that after all of this, I would be fighting for my reputation with people, but that turned out not to be necessary. Quite the opposite, in fact, as I received a lot of understanding pats on the back, as many people in this area understood the individuals who were throwing this nonsense at me, and basically told me to shrug it off, this was apparently standard practice.
And, of course, in retrospect, the people involved were some of the most insecure people on the planet. And that's important later in this blog.
So, as I said, reconsidered some ideas.
I've been lucky enough to fall in with a group of people who have been making films for a while now, and doing so in the greatest and noblest of ways; by the weight of their own willpower have they made these films. Not studio, not financed. Out of their own pocket. On their strength. And I love it.
After this drama "resolved" (I unfortunately feel like I'll never get any real closure out of this) I decided I was going to become a full-fledged student to this group, and that I wasn't going to allow myself to fall in to the same misplaced egoism and sophomoric petulance that was directed at me and (most unfairly and with no justification) at my girlfriend.
So, I've been working on everything I can to help this group and to get better at all of this.
And now we get to the point of this blog. See, this won't be a vent session of the events of the Summer. Aside from the unnecessary drama, this was a good Summer. Entirely because of my kids, but still. And the individuals in question, who have piled hate on me and did so without ever addressing anything with me... I wish them the best. Ultimately, they're good people. They're just young. And we all grow differently in different areas. And, at the end of it all, I hope the best for them and that maybe, someday, we'll be friends again.
It was my own personal revelations that led me to understand something about people. It's nothing new. Psychology has already really established this. But it wasn't until I saw it first hand that I noticed it in every group; insecurity.
Every single group, clique, whatever, always has this subgroup of individuals that is so filled with insecurity that they resort to varying levels of dishonesty, sometimes with themselves, sometimes with others, sometimes both, to somehow cover their own perceived weaknesses.
And it's astonishing.
In particular, I hang out with nerds. I hate, to some extent, using that word. Partially because I constantly get corrected on the differences between nerds/geeks/dorks, and that annoys the hell out of me. (I will use nerd and geek interchangeably; if you don't like that... I don't care.) Also, I just don't like using this particular term. Just don't like. But, regardless, I hang out with nerds.
This might be something I inherited from my father, this fascination with geek culture, but it's solidly there. I don't really participate in a lot of it, but then I've not participated in much of any clique. I usually sit back and watch, recording what they do for future story ideas and the like. I just ended up liking nerds and so I spend a lot of time with them.
As a result of my self changes, I've taken to watching nerds again and observing them. I've been writing a lot, so it seemed logical to attach to a group again. And this is when I discovered the nerd version of the insecure subgroup. And they are a fascinating bunch.
Instead of the kind of self deceit others have, where they convince themselves that they aren't the problem and lie about the actions of others to justify their own actions, nerds almost seem to develop this self loathing, where they are worried they are inadequate, so much so, their friends will invariably reject them. Instead of relying on the strength of their own character, they turn themselves almost into these caricatures, telling stories about their accomplishments which they really read about on the internet, their nonexistent wealth, and how easy it is for them to meet women, though you never meet any of these girls.
At first, I was almost kind of charmed by this, in an odd, sick way. It amused me, because it only takes a bit of research to see through all of these lies, but they were so dang elaborate that I had to tip my hat to them for the orchestration of this fictional facade that could almost be believable if it wasn't so far fetched. And a few I have met are so good at it that they can throw in just enough truth that they can give their false universe some shield against pressing.
In fact, one of the more well deserved stereotypes present in nerd culture, that of intelligence, is present here as well; they are good enough at deductive reasoning to fake their way through any sort of conversation, making themselves appear experts on any given subject.
My initial interest here, before I get to my change in position on these folks, was because I needed a newer character concept that I'd never really written about before. I thought I had it here.
But as I said, at first, I was charmed by it. Later, it became almost frustrating. Because not one person was addressing this with any of them. Nobody said anything, letting these stories carry on. Except for private discussions, where they carry on about how crazy these tales are.
Being the blunt person I tend to be, I thought there was no way I could hold myself in check and thought I might speak my mind at any moment. Yet I found myself just as tight-lipped as everyone else, keeping any thoughts of telling these individuals of such fashionably fictitious lifestyles that they're full of it wrapped up in my mind and out of the real world.
And the only reason I could fathom was because of how they might react to being called out in such an obvious fashion. You see, many of them had been building up these lies about themselves up over time, stating them as fact so consistently over years (yes, years) that they've almost come to believe them themselves. You might ask, "Is that any way to live?" and you'd be asking a very valid question, because it isn't.
Yet, here they are. And I count a number among my friends. One in particular is a very good friend. And no one has ever said anything to him for fear that he might disappear forever if the lies he's constructed over the past five years were undermined. Disappear or worse.
And that's where it's a bit frightening. He's described real women that I've met as being former girlfriends. And following up, I've learned they were never anything of the sort. He's described a great many specifics about who he is, things that would be public information, but where there is no information to be found. But he's so darn insistent, not confident, but insistent that this information is fact. He's, to an actual expert's face, described information that this expert actually knew better, that this expert was patently wrong and that he actually knew something the expert didn't.
Obviously, I'm being vague in this blog. And you might ask why even blog about this? But it was a disappointment in myself and my inability to write about a subject that I specifically looked into developing a story around. I had developed a character, had back story, everything. And now I find, just as I and everyone else can't call out these people on their falsehoods, I also can't write a fiction inspired by them.
Maybe one of you out there can. And if you find writing about something this psychotic interesting, have fun. Normally I would. Psychoses often offer interesting character concepts and I enjoy exploring them. But this one just unnerved me on a personal level enough that I couldn't write about it.
And if you're worried about any of these guys, or my good friend in particular, reading this blog and realizing it's him, worry not, because;
A) He's never going to read this blog. He doesn't read blogs. And
B) He probably wouldn't realize I was talking about him. And if he did, he wouldn't acknowledge it, subconsciously hoping that I'd stick to my inability to not address it.
Is this all incredibly unhealthy?
Is it going to change?
I don't know.
And that's the truth. Sadly.