Monday, September 3, 2012
Self Observation Time
Yup, it's that time. Time for some introspection. But fear not, dear reader, this isn't going to be weepy, whiny, pleading, or anything like that.
This will be my best attempt at some honesty about who I am. So, let's do this as a list, bullet, sort of thingy, kind of, -esque.
1. I'm a better actor than I've given myself credit for in the past. Previously, I couldn't watch myself on film without groaning or picking it apart. That's changed. I do see the bad, yes, but instead of it owning the entire performance, I can see what I need to improve and see what I do well. And there are many things I do well. I'm starting with this one because it's happy.
2. I'm a very confident person with generally high self esteem. But I do have issues sometimes with self-worth. Not horribly. Not as bad as a friend of mine who goes to great lengths to tell "little" lies about his set of skills, his education, his job, and a plethora of other things. I don't need to build up falsehoods about myself to make myself feel better. But sometimes, I tend to lose faith in my abilities. I will feel these spells of hopelessness where I feel like I can't do anything. I'm going to correct this. The only people who should ever truly despair are those who know what's going to happen in the future. And no one is really in that position. I'm going to be more hopeful, but I'm going to ask for help more instead of trying to do everything on my own.
3. I'm afraid of vulnerability. Very afraid. It's actually one of the things keeping me at just being a decent actor instead of a very good one. You have to be vulnerable to let those emotions out. And I never do. For so long I've rationalized this as me just seeing emotions as a sort of weakness. Which is text book. Holy crap is that a text book, cliché problem. And I understand that. The reality about all things is that we were all born unique little snowflakes by virtue of DNA, genetics, and all of that biological wizardry. We shouldn't be trying so hard to be utterly different from each other. It's actually good to have similarities with others, as well as the differences, because it's the combination of those similarities that makes social interaction interesting.
And that social interaction shouldn't be a place for me to hide my vulnerability. A lot of my self worth issues that pop up here and there are probably tied into the fact that I don't open up. That's not to say I'm going to cry every time I'm with friends. But maybe I shouldn't worry so much about showing any kind of honest emotion.
With all of my mom's health issues, I'm starting to see things differently. I shouldn't be bottling this up so much and being more honest about how I feel about things.
4. I don't like Dr. Who. I didn't say the show was bad, just that I don't like it.
5. I love writing. And I miss theatre.