So... I'm doing it. I will be, for the first time, participating in National Novel Writing Month.
Last year, around this time, I was suffering from heart break after being jilted by someone I erroneously considered to be the mystical "One", was hating the fact that I wasn't getting to see my kids for the holidays, and floundering in general misery, compounded by a pair of friends who felt that the world was a place where their problems (however minuscule they were in the grand scheme of everything) were of everyone's sole and intense concern. October, going into November last year, was crap.
That said, it wasn't like my problems were grandiose or anything like that. Except for missing my children, I was actually doing okay for myself. Just miserable in a way that really isn't that important.
But this year, things changed. I'm happier, though not perfectly happy. Maybe happy isn't even the right word. I'm driven. By something that resembles insanity. Megalomania. Zeal.
This year, I get my kids for the holidays, a true blessing, and I've found myself in a group of creative people that have the sense of drive I've been having myself for some time. And they want to do things. They don't want to sit around and complain that everyone else is doing something. They want to do. I'm the kind of person who likes to accomplish things. I fit right in to this group.
Of course, this group is a filmmaking group, and I will admit that my first passion is film. The visual medium is the one that has always really appealed to me on so many levels, spiritual, psychological, physical, it doesn't matter. It fulfills everything for me.
But, that said, I'm still a writer. And I love the art of prose. And I feel like I want to do more. That no matter what I do, I'm not doing enough and that I need to keep moving. Keep creating. I shouldn't have to need an event like NaNoWriMo to motivate me, but it's a chance to get into the all important habit of not stopping. Because any moment I'm not writing or creating is a moment someone else is.
I want this to be a positive experience and I feel like I've scratched the surface, this year, of what it's like to achieve. Instead of throwing unfair hate at others for misfortune that wasn't the fault of anyone but myself, instead of wallowing in self pity because I might have been left in the dust of a great idea. In fact, I'm proud of the groups here, be it the Four Corners Filmmakers or the Void Zone crew. We've accomplished. And it's a great feeling.
But NaNoWriMo is a personal accomplishment. I won't base all my happiness on whether or not I successfully finish a novel. But I will put everything I can into it. I think I'll reserve my true happiness for my children. But my personal triumph will be centered around writing, and the continued movement forward, in both projects personal and with groups.
The future has the potential to be bright, and I feel like November has something great in store.
